Lutheran
Airlines:
“Velcome
to da Lutern Airlines! Da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesnowta
vit service to Visconsin, Nort Dah-Kota, and sometimes Sout Dah-Kota.
I
am Lena Ingvist, yer flight attendant and stewardess, tew,
Ve
are a no-frills airline. Ve are all in da same boat on Lutern Air, vere
flying is an uplifting experience, so velcome aboard.
As
you know, dere is no first class on Lutern Airlines, airflight tew thousand
tventy tew.
Meals
are pot luck: rows one tru 6 ver to bring da lefsa; 7 tru 15, da salad;
16 tru 21, da main hot-dish; and 22-30 da romniegrot.
Ve
vill be singing 99 bottles uv beer on da vall, so basses and tenors
pleess sit in da rear of da aircraft, and remember everyvun is responsible
for der own baggage.
All
fares are free-vil offering and the plane vil not land until da budget
is met.
Direct
yer attention to yer flight attendent who vill acqvaint yew vit da safety
system aboard this Lutheran Tvin Yet 599.
“Okay
den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vunce. In da event of sudden
loss uv cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised, so vill
Captain Olson, becuz ye vill be flying right around 2 tousand feet,
so loss of cabin pressure vud prolly indicate the Second Coming or somting
of dat nature, so I vuldn't bodder vit dem little masks on dem rubber
tubes, Yer gonna have bigger tings to vorry about dan yust dat. Just
stuff dose tings back up in der little holes.
Prolly
da masks fell out because of turbulence, which to be honest vit yew,
we've been flying at 2 tousand feet and dat is sort of like driving
across a plowed field, but after a vile, you vill get used to it.
In
da ewent of a vater landing, I'd say yust fergit it. Start saying Da
Lord's Prayer and yust hope you have time to git to da part about forgive
us our sins as ye forgive dose who sint against us (vich some people
say “trespass against us”, vich isn't right, but den, vat can ya dew?
Use
uv cell phones is strictly forbidden, not becuz dey interfere vit the
planes navigational system, vich, by da vay, is”seat of the pants all
da vay”. No, cell phones is a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant
yew to use dem, he vould have put yer mout on da side of yer head, so
stow dose suckers!
Ve're
gonna start lunch buffet style vit da coffee pot up front. First, ve'll
have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket right in front of yew.
Don't take yers vit you yen you go or I am going to be real upset vit
yew, and I ain't kiddin' edder!”
Tanks
for flying Lutem Airlines, flight tew thousand tventy tew.
Ole & Lena Joke #1
Ole had a dog that learned how to play cards.
His friend, Lars, commented on how remarkable
that was.
“Vell, I don't know about dat,” said Ole.
”Every time he gets a good hand, he vags his tail.”
Ole & Lena Joke #2
Lena went to her doctor for a physical exam.
After checking her over and giving some tests,
The doctor said, “ Lena , I guess you just have to
realize you're not getting any younger.”
”I don't vant to get any YOUNGER,” retorted
Lena . “I just vant you to fix me up so I get
OLDER!”
